PARADOX
I have I
think too much pride for someone who is financially dependent on my family. But
my family in this instance is not the problem. In fact its only my mother now
that I expect to take care of all my financial needs until I get a job. My
problem is the people of the opposite sex or the men I let into my life. For
the life of me I cannot bring myself to form a coherent plea for anything. All
the girls in my circle tell me I must ask, that the job of the man is to
provide. But then I think if that is his job then why can't he do it without me
having to ask him to. I mean if you know that you have to go to the toilet or
eat why should you have other people remind you to do these things. I have an
internal battle of pride or selling myself out to the highest bidder. I just
feel like if I ask the man for anything at all then he would start having
leverage over me and what I do. In fact I have had a guy admit that that is
exactly why he gives money to his girl for this and that; so that he can
control her. Now I know that that is probably part of why men do what they do
for their women, admittedly to varying degrees but still it makes up part of
their rationale. My problem then becomes that I never ever want to feel like I
owe anyone anything or that anyone owns me. I have such a crippling need to be
flawless in that regard that sometimes I feel stifled. Also I struggle with
where to draw the line, is it that when I am seeing a man I should expect go
bechetswa or is it go ithekisa expecting him to do certain things for me. Maybe
I should stop asking myself and ask the relevant people hey. I must say though
that I think a man who is serious about anything will at least get you
something nice every once in a while without you having to ask him, a perfume,
a good book, anything that you can remember him by and so you should too but if
he had the guts to shela he should surely aim to impress. Not just financially
but also in the calling, making you a nice lunch, dinner, taking you out every
now and then because I know most women will cook for their men every day and do
their laundry and clean their houses and I think in that regard the woman would
have covered her part of the affectionate things because in all honesty she
doesn’t have any obligation to do any of those things. So I guess it's right
that women expect such gifts from their men. What then of men ba ba batang go
ja hela ba sa ire sepe. A go bechetswa o kopile go monate jaaka Rre wa gago a
itirisa!?
