EXTRAMARITAL RELATIONSHIPS

I am curious to know if these unorthodox, rule breaking, immoral relationships operate on any rules of their own. The irony would not be lost on me. What should be length of a relationship between a married person and another person outside of their marriage? What is the reason for the need of such a relationship? Who do we blame for such a relationship if blame is to be laid? What is the decent time after marriage to start such a relationship? And does the spouse being cheated on really not ever have a clue of such a relationship when it’s ongoing? These are all questions to the comments I have heard being made and that I have made when I heard that this or the other was caught cheating or is cheating on their spouse unbeknownst to them. So I am going to try and provide rational answers to them to the best of my ability. Now with regards the length of the relationship, if it goes on for too long, it risks exposure and that, the voice has taught us comes with heavy repercussions. Also the longer it goes on, I think the lesser the chances of the third wheel finding a person and establishing a real relationship of their own that they do not have to hide. So I would conclude by saying this relationship should always be kept short and sweet (as sweet as can be considering its nature) and non-dramatic. No feelings should be allowed to develop, which is often the case the longer a relationship is allowed to exist. The second question speaks to why a married person should need an extra relationship outside of their marriage anyway, and I ask why indeed? People get married and for the lazy folk they recite the tired old vows whose origins they do not know of nor I think care to find out about; for those maybe we can be lenient. But the ones that would really upset are the ones who make the effort of coming up with their own vows vowing to fidelity and loyalty and all and then going out and getting it on with someone else. The question then becomes, if you still wanted to sleep around why did you have to lie to yourself and your faithful (hopefully) spouse about wanting a settled life because in my books unless otherwise explicitly stated, marriage equals exclusivity. So I am afraid the answer on the need for an extramarital affair eludes me for I see no rational reason for such behavior (unless you believe monogamy is unnatural- which then becomes a whole other debate to take on and still leaves the question of why then get married open). I believe only the married person has a duty to their spouse and as such should be the sole bearer of blame if blame is to be laid especially blame coming from their spouse. Yes the third party is wrong in an enabling capacity but the onus lies with the one who took vows and propositioned or affirmed a proposition. It is their duty to say something to what we would hope along with being their lover is their most trusted confidant if they feel something is not right in the relationship instead of going out and tainting the union. I for one have been mad at people I heard started cheating a week after getting married. I wondered if they could have gotten bored with their partner that quickly and also question the genuineness of the commitment to begin with. How do you make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone cherishing them, being loyal to them and protecting them and then go out and fuck another person a week or however long afterwards!? Where is first of all your decency? These are some of the tendencies that make me question if people really understand the reasons why they get married and if those reasons are noble. You should at least wait to get tired of your spouse which in reality if you have committed to marriage you should have thought of contingencies that you both agree on to. Lastly I question the being kept in the dark of the spouse being cheated on. Especially with couples who have been together for longer and who know each other's patterns, behaviors and routines. I would like to believe (maybe I am naïve) that if I have been with you for more than 5 years (modest time) and you start cheating all of a sudden I should at least suspect something is up because I do not want to think you would act the same way with the new fling as you have been with me all the 5 years or more of our relationship. That is just the nature of us humans, a new fling always brings a spring or sway to our walk, a laugh and smile to reading texts, something different and fresh like the new relationship. So honestly, assuming you are attentive to your relationship (without being obsessed) I do believe within reason a spouse should be able to tell. As such I think people need to take a proactive role in such matters and instead of being passive, they should jump to nip the fling in the bud by identifying why their spouse decided to go out and transgress against their union. This should help save the relationship if that is the intention. Otherwise it helps one prevent the overwhelming questions of why when they find out later and realise they are the only ones who didn’t know their spouse was busy canoodling outside their marriage- the self-esteem of the cheated party always tends to take a hit. This as you can tell is based mainly on the two married people. It is not to say the third wheel is absolved of blame or becomes a prop, but the problem shall always remain with the ones who signed the marriage contract to deal with in the end.

BOTSETSI

I consider myself a moderately cultural young woman. And I pride myself in this assertion because in this day and age us "born frees" do not identify with our cultures very much. The pull to be westernised is far too great for ngwao ya rona ya setswana. This being said, the recent birth of my first ever niece has brought me the opportunity to really observe and come in contact with the culture of botsetse. Having gone to baby showers and hearing what should and should not be done, the real practices are rather intense in my view. I have a few contentions with this practice that hinge on two major points. 1. the issue of the father's involvement, 2. the separation of the new mother from other people and life as used to. Now with regards to the first point I do believe that it has become redundant and rather ridiculous for one's father to experience their child being in life by hearing their cry or driving the little baby and mommy to the hospital or wherever else they may need to go for the first month or so. For one, when the baby is born these days the hospital allows for the father to be present during the birth if they so wish. And thereafter they are given the baby. I do not know why then they become enemy number one when mother and baby get home. What would become of the poor father, if God forbid(and I do not consider myself religious) the child was to die in those first few days of life. Where would have been his memories of his child, the child he made with love (that’s a positive assumption of course). Also especially in the context of married people who society dictates should have children after marrying. Having had that child what arse of a father would not do everything and anything in his power to ensure that he did not bring various unknowns from mischievous behaviour out there. I mean if you are going to make a choice to conceive with your wife, and try whoever many times why would you jeopardise that very precious goal you have been working towards. Lastly, how is the man supposed to identify with being the primary parent or the caretaker when for the first essential developmental stages of the baby he is kept at bay!? How is he supposed to connect with his baby and have his baby know his smell, breath and temperament? How is he supposed to identify with feeding the baby and changing diapers. I think we have enabled the lax participation of fathers in raising their children besides providing financial aid for long enough. Each father who cares to be considered truly as a father should participate in every stage of raising his child. That I believe is the only way for him to identify with his baby. Some men however do catch up to such duties but some don’t and that is what we need to curb. Now on the second point; I have realised that the new mommy is excluded from everyone else including her man and everything else. She even moves into a different room, where she stays isolated for a while. The plates and cutlery she uses, some food she uses(whatever the discretion for such is, who knows) and even the stove plates she uses right down to the kitchen cloth. Now I cannot for the life of me fathom this and Batswana being Batswana will never really explain such issues to an outsider (which is what I am by virtue of not having a baby). But really, if you are going to share with us the mere mortals some of the most unhygienic places like the toilet and bathroom, then why bother making anything else exclusive to yourself. Shouldn’t hygiene be top priority anyway for everyone else in the family!? Or are the rest of us all just ok falling off to some food poisoning or whatever else impending doom awaits us in the kitchen. I think this is ridiculous, no disrespect to anyone. Also why on earth should one not be even allowed to talk to her husband or spouse face to face at home after giving birth. What could possibly become of them sitting in one place and just reminiscing on the feat conquered of birthing their child. Why should they resort to pictures on whatsapp and conversations there? This is really a sad predicament, one that puts me off pregnancy even more. I say let the fathers in and let the mothers interact not just with the person who is in charge of 'go baya botsetsi' but at least the immediate family in the house. Let's re-evaluate some practices and their relevance.

OBSERVATIONS

Let me start by declaring that I like to look at how people close to me live and take some useful lessons for myself from them and identify what I would not want in my life and work consciously to avoid it. Now I have observed that women like to commit to be the maid they never intended to be, particularly, I have noticed this of married women. They get their adorable husbands used to being taken care of hand and foot and then get exasperated with other people once this becomes too exhausting for them to do. I believe that as women if we do not want to do the whole waiting on a man thing we should let them know from the onset that we expect them to pull up their socks and get some work done in the house. Don't get frustrated because you never got your expectations out there for him to know because our patriarchal society teaches men largely that they shall be served by women. No one can stand up for us if we don't ourselves and le setswana sare ngwana o sa leleng o swela tharing. I feel like I have had to do a lot of house work and man tending by virtue of staying with a particular married woman who clearly is tired herself of taking care of every whim her husband has. This has made me resolute in my resolve not to allow myself to fall into such a predicament. I think a lot of us women allow ourselves to become the maid/ house worker we never aspired to and nothing is as frustrating as doing something you do not want to do nor feel like you should have to do nor had you ever aspired to do. 

RELIGION

 

Through all my doubts and questioning of religion, particularly Christianity, one thing has remained constant, my belief in spirituality. After reading a rather refreshing and liberal book, surprisingly written in collaboration with a very devout Bhuddist, the Dalai Lama, I realised that no religion like I have come to accept and assert is supreme. The saying all things are equal comes to mind here and usually it is restricted or made in reference to people but it really should extent to all things  because being born different it is only natural that we would believe different. What should remain important is the freedom to choose our own spiritual paths. The book talks rightfully I believe about the concept of equality basing it on the fact that everybody has the right to be happy and that if that happiness is derived from a particular religious tradition different from the norm, then that right ought to be respected. After all the goal at least I suppose is not world religious domination but righteousness and righteousness can be derived from a lot of influences as various famous personalities have come to prove. Being religious I think more than anything should be stemmed in tolerance and love and acceptance not an insistence in having things done the way we believe is best; after all, all we do have is a belief and beliefs are a result of a choice to commit to a set of principles and living by them ( and undoubtedly other social, economic, cultural… influences). As much as each of us has a different favourite colour and choose to love different things and or people in different ways then we should be able to realise that in all things we derive happiness from different things and therefore our beliefs cannot possibly all be the same. I believe the antidote to all these wars caused by the quest to assert one religion as superior to all others can be quelled by teaching respect and tolerance other than hate and judgement. We need to realise that nothing about any individual gives them the right to judge others and demean what they believe in. Religion should never be about taking control over other peoples beliefs but tolerating and understanding and living together in harmony and embracing our differences. The ultimate goal in life is apparently being happy and therefore in our selflessness which is spread by most religions if not all, let's let each other live and in turn live ourselves. One definition of confidence is being able to stand up for yourself without necessarily trampling or stepping on other people's toe's or beliefs and each and every religious person and non-religious person equally, needs this trait in order for there to be peace and tranquillity.

DATING

Why do we date? What are our ultimate expectations and do we voice them to our partners? How do we determine the right person to take it to the next step with. Is it because of what we know of them? But what do we make of the dynamic nature of humans and the potential of what we know of the person changing? My friends say I am a difficult person to date, I say I am realistic. I notice the little things and I don’t like ignoring them because all too often when people divorce or fall out of love/ like it's because of the little things that their partner does that they just can't stomach anymore that they thought they could ignore. I don’t get why people would make the sacrifice of dating someone they are not comfortable with or around. The reality is no one will ever find their 100% other half without flaws, after all we are perfect in our imperfections, but I do not believe in forcing things. I for example know what matters to me and any relationship I have must accommodate these things. I am not entirely unreasonable, I can compromise but I am not at all for losing the essence of what makes me, me for a relationship. I also abhor wasting my time or the other person's time and I think that’s why people end up saying after dating a long time and it not working out that they wasted time. I don’t believe in wasting time, if I am with you then I must be enjoying something about us being together. Why then do people, at least the one's I have met subject themselves to relationships they do not cherish and therefore do not enjoy nor more importantly respect!? Why should we as people be content with not being happy with ourselves or our relationships? I mean I get  that a relationship is work and for some things you guide your partner on how to make you happy, but for christ's sake there has to be a natural pull towards each other, the work done must definitely build on something, an attraction, an understanding, a commonality, anything. My main case here is that no one should have to over compromise themselves if they are with the right person. It leads to bitterness and holding of grudges and counting up times and not living in the moment and enjoying the moment. Sometimes taking time to yourself and being with oneself is what one needs to gain perspective on themselves, what they like and don’t like so that in their being whole and their authentic self, they are able to attract likeminded people and be able to maintain themselves in the union.

 

PARADOX

 

I have I think too much pride for someone who is financially dependent on my family. But my family in this instance is not the problem. In fact its only my mother now that I expect to take care of all my financial needs until I get a job. My problem is the people of the opposite sex or the men I let into my life. For the life of me I cannot bring myself to form a coherent plea for anything. All the girls in my circle tell me I must ask, that the job of the man is to provide. But then I think if that is his job then why can't he do it without me having to ask him to. I mean if you know that you have to go to the toilet or eat why should you have other people remind you to do these things. I have an internal battle of pride or selling myself out to the highest bidder. I just feel like if I ask the man for anything at all then he would start having leverage over me and what I do. In fact I have had a guy admit that that is exactly why he gives money to his girl for this and that; so that he can control her. Now I know that that is probably part of why men do what they do for their women, admittedly to varying degrees but still it makes up part of their rationale. My problem then becomes that I never ever want to feel like I owe anyone anything or that anyone owns me. I have such a crippling need to be flawless in that regard that sometimes I feel stifled. Also I struggle with where to draw the line, is it that when I am seeing a man I should expect go bechetswa or is it go ithekisa expecting him to do certain things for me. Maybe I should stop asking myself and ask the relevant people hey. I must say though that I think a man who is serious about anything will at least get you something nice every once in a while without you having to ask him, a perfume, a good book, anything that you can remember him by and so you should too but if he had the guts to shela he should surely aim to impress. Not just financially but also in the calling, making you a nice lunch, dinner, taking you out every now and then because I know most women will cook for their men every day and do their laundry and clean their houses and I think in that regard the woman would have covered her part of the affectionate things because in all honesty she doesn’t have any obligation to do any of those things. So I guess it's right that women expect such gifts from their men. What then of men ba ba batang go ja hela ba sa ire sepe. A go bechetswa o kopile go monate jaaka Rre wa gago a itirisa!?

 

 

SIZE- IT MATTERS

Its all PC to say size does not matter especially against the backdrop of young ladies mostly and more recently young men falling prey to the diseases of bulimia and anorexia. I came across an article on the Cosmopolitan on-line mag which was saying all the right things to 20 something year olds with regards to feeling good when wearing a bikini. I couldn't however help but notice that despite this very commendable effort the rest of the magazine for the most part still only features celebrities on their sexiest lists and most well dressed who aren't what I would call the larger society's sample size. The issue though here is not really the magazine but the issue of size and how people feel about their bodies and what it means. I will admit here first hand that when I am on the heavier side I can never get myself to feel happy about my body or what I wear. This is a vice on my part, however should one ever really be comfortable with a body that is more of a burden and hazard than a safe harbour. For one being overweight makes it difficult to do a lot of things mentionably more weight to carry, difficulty in breathing and difficulty in finding clothes and having them fit right. Being too thin is not desirable either well at least not according to me, you can never really look like you are wearing an item; it is more often than not a case of the item wearing you. And I doubt the processes that are supposed to take place in your body that need calories really do happen at optimum due to the under nutrition. What I am advocating is lets not call overweight curvy; hips are curves, not fatty thighs or stomach. And lets not call bones sticking out the ultimate weight either. I am all for feeling comfortable in your skin but lets do right by our selves and health by eating right and exercising and only then can we say we have our ultimate bodies.