COMMUNICATION

 

Are you saying the right thing, in the most organized and simple way to the right people with the authority to make a decision using the right platform at the right time?

Being a social media communications manager I have realised that as a people, our communications skills are lacking. I believe half of the time the reason why we are not able to get through to people when we pitch ideas, ourselves and concepts to them has more to do with how we are saying what we are saying. However when you have your thoughts arranged, and you are speaking to the right people, in the right setting at the right time then only your confidence can let you down.

1.       What are you saying?

When you don’t know how to structure what you want to talk about or ask, research is key. Find out what you need to know about the topic you wish to engage people on. Once you have all the relevant information, organize your arguments so that they flow and a person can develop a story as you recount your pitch. If you may be lacking in some areas, the best principle is to be honest that you do not have the in-depth knowledge and the steps you will take to remedy that. Planning is key in this regard because failing to plan is planning to fail.

Research the people you are pitching to as much as you can and make your pitch relevant to them through the use of examples that will resonate with them or the industry they are in. Do not use big words or try to sound smart. The fact that you are pitching to people to entice them to see things your way just means you need to make your pitch easy for them more than anyone else easy to understand and identify with. No one waiting to be convinced wants to be reaching for dictionaries to understand what is being said in the process.

 

2.       Who are you talking to?

A lot of times a lot of people with potential (I hate this word) are stonewalled by people who do not have the authority to make the decisions. Understand the environment in which you wish to play, find out who the decision makers and don’t bother pitching until you get in front of those people. Do be friendly to the person between you and the decision maker but never make the mistake of wasting your breath trying to convince them you have something worth their while because they are actually not equipped to help you anyway. There will be rare exceptions to this but you need to know when you are dealing with a perception situation.

3.       Where are you making your pitch?

Generally speaking with a few exceptions, offices are places of high pressure and pace. When people are in their offices, they tend to be stressed, worried and busy with and about their job description and deliverables with little or no room to consider anything else. Besides, in the office there are constant interruptions with co-workers demanding attention on one thing or another that the person you are taking to may be a part of.

If you want someone to listen to you, take them out of the environment that would make them less perceptive and attentive to what you are trying to sell them. Make sure you select a location that would be free of disruptions and interruptions.

If you are looking for something online or talking to people on online platforms, you need to choose your platform wisely. Know what each social media platform was created for and keep your interactions in line with the core mandate of the platform because otherwise no one will take you seriously. For example if you are writing an email that is official, make sure you adhere to email protocol; have a subject, formal greetings and salutation, clearly state intention of email and sign out properly. On Facebook with all the fake/ alter ego profile names, it does not make sense to reach out to organisations for employment. The same can be said for twitter which is a platform for updates on what is happening around the world at any particular moment. LinkedIn is the professional platform where people expect a level of professionalism in the language used, the conversations had and the content posted. Equally here it would be off-placed to post sexy pictures of yourself.

Basically align your message to the platform and setting where it will get the most mileage and attention needed and aligned to the vision and goals of the communication to begin with.

4.       When do you make your pitch?

There are certain events and occurrences in life that make people less social and receptive of external information whatever it may be. There are also situations that make people less considerate and rational and you need to ensure that the audience you are speaking to is not going through any such event in their life.

The idea when communicating whatever you need to get through to other people and get their buy in is to make the effort to ensure that all of the factors mentioned above are not working against you. The onus rests on you to ensure the optimum conditions for your message to be received and perceived in the light you wish. The key with communication after all is not what you are saying but how it is heard by the receiver.

 

 

 

 

DISILLUSIONED- THE ECONOMIC/ ENTREPRENEURIAL CULTURE OF BOTSWANA

As a nation we have managed to isolate our interpretation of culture as only relating to the social set up and to the political set up in so far as traditional leadership is concerned. And as a result have been blind to the harmful effect of the culture we have adopted to our business/ entrepreneurial thinking and therefore our economic and political systems.

We acknowledge that our economic system as is has not been working for us. Year in and year out we complain that we are not growing and advancing- well as far as the last 10 or so years are concerned. Which leads me to believe we are great practitioners of insanity because so far we have changed very little in the MO of the role of government in the economy and the empowerment of individuals to be enterprising. Government is still heavily involved in the funding and development of local businesses and is still coming up with economy stimulating initiatives that are advanced versions (not by way of differentiation but by better sounding names and targeted audience) of previously failed ones.

Our culture is not an enterprising one nor that of self determination and we don’t seem to be directing our efforts and collective thinking that way. Since independence the culture has always been that the government of the day has got our backs and will take care of us and our children by giving us jobs and schooling our children. Back then with a population of less than a 700K that may have seemed sustainable, however as the population grows and the cash cow that is our diamonds ages and withers away, the model has proved to be unsustainable. Young people now who are supposedly enterprising are still very reliant on government grants and support for their businesses to get off the ground. 

Our government is an example of a parent who has bought their child a bicycle to learn how to ride but wont stop holding the bike at the back and let them learn how to pedal on their own.

The system and culture will not change because the government of the day benefits from such dependency policies. They “take care” of the citizenry and therefore ensure their stay in power as people reward them with votes. And so even as the economy dictates that the system can no longer operate in the same way, there is sabotage (conscious or not) to real progress in favour of giving a simulation that the government is taking care of the people and therefore deserving of their votes to govern.

Most progressive economic/ business books have been writing about how the role of the government is not to run business or to invest in business but to put in place policy that is enabling for business to thrive. However this involves the people having an understanding of this role and being socialised to be industrial, innovative and experimental as opposed to being dependent on government to provide solutions.

What we are refusing or ignorant to see and learn from is how our counterparts, locally who are of different nationalities have managed to build thriving businesses despite not having government funding. And it is because they believe in each other and support each others businesses and ventures. What they require from government are the rules of engagement and they engage within their communities to find ways to fund their ventures and then buy from each other so that their economies can grow. This concept is explained very well by Chika Onyeani in Capitalist Nigger.

In the book “Is your thinking keeping you poor” Douglas Kruger highlights how when you approach an issue with a mindset of entitlement, the inspiration to work hard and prove the viability of what you are proposing is lost. You come with the sense of being owed and in turn you get what you never deserved nor respect nor have any knowledge of managing and that is how we end up with businesses that never grow beyond initial funding.

OPINION DOMINION: YOU ARE A GIRL THEREFORE.....I have over the yea...

OPINION DOMINION: YOU ARE A GIRL THEREFORE.....

I have over the yea...: YOU ARE A GIRL THEREFORE..... I have over the years growing up come to somewhat resent being a girl because it would seem this gender is ...

YOU ARE A GIRL THEREFORE.....

I have over the years growing up come to somewhat resent being a girl because it would seem this gender is burdened with the survival of all sexes. I cant tell you how many times I was told and have heard other people being told to learn a skill or behave a particular way because they are a "girl". Now I would not have a problem with this if it wasn't that the context is always related to your ability to therefore attract a boy. Never though have I heard, you are a boy, therefore, reference. Boys are allowed more self determination than girls are.

Girl- a female human species
Female-An individual of the sex which conceives and brings forth young, or (in a wider sense) which has an ovary and produces ova.

Society has managed to heap what i consider an unnecessary burden on the girl child and take away her freedom to self determine and these are some of the ways that i find to be totally unreasonable and I will share with you the practical reasons why.

1. You are a girl therefore you must know how to cook and clean the house. Fair enough I must know how to keep my surroundings clean and be able to feed myself. But why must this responsibility be the girl child's alone? What must become a boy who cannot clean his surroundings and feed himself? Are we condemning our brothers to hunger and filth? I for one care too much about them to allow this stereotype to be perpetuated at least in my family.

2. You are a girl therefore you must look good and be beautiful to be desired. I am bothered by the fact that we don't necessarily encourage the boys to do anything about their appearance so we also find them attractive. Why is it that society has allowed the men to think they can get away with looking unkept and still manage to score themselves a pretty girl? Well one might say because they are busy making money to attract the said females- well females also have the capacity and ability to make money, what then?

3. You are a girl therefore you can't be drinking lagers and whiskies and smoking. Well last I checked, no company has come out with a product made for any particular sex. It would be in their worst interest anyway as women make up the most of the world population. These imposed societal expectations based on ridiculous notions of what it means to be a proper 'girl'/ woman are just a great way to limit women's self exploration and expression.

I mean even in the relatively advanced society we live in where we recognise the need to have all people being educated for the girl child society has still managed to link it to a man.

4. You are a girl therefore you must get yourself a 'decent' education so that you may find a man. "Men these days don't want an uneducated woman". I resent here not the notion of getting an education but the association with getting a 'proper' man. Why aren't girls in our society just being taught to get educated so that they may be able to be contributing individuals to the economy and be able to sustain themselves?

5. You are a girl therefore you mustn't fight or be muscular. What will the men think of you? No man wants to have another male looking like person as a partner. Well if the same said men are the ones violating us and abusing us, isn't it in our best interests that we train our bodies and learn how to fight so that we are ready with the technique and the strength to be able to counter such attacks on our bodies from them?

6. You are a girl you must not be too loud! Don't laugh like that it is not attractive. Well, I have no scientific proof but I do believe that tones differ and voice pitches are something we are born with. You could try and train yourself to speak softer, but why waste time on that when you could be learning more practical skills that can help advance you economically, education wise or in business? Laughs are laughs- I am waiting to see the handbook that has the laws on laughing because otherwise my raucous laugh stays. Its very fun to laugh freely and loudly.

The last and final one;

7. You are a girl therefore you must get married and have kids. Chimamanda put this one to bed nicely for me when she said, the girl child is taught to aspire to a family and marriage and the boy child isn't and that already creates an imbalance in the kind of relationships that are formed between the two sexes! I mean being a girl child does not mean you have the emotional agility and maturity to bear and raise another human being, it does not necessarily mean you aspire to being Mrs somebody. Marriage as an institution should not be a desire because you are a girl but because you identify with the values it espouses. Children as well should not be something we have have because we have ovaries and wombs but they should be had by individuals with an ability and willingness to have them. Ability her ranges from the psychological to the economical.

Yes I am a girl. 10 points for stating the obvious but that does not subject me to anything that I do not identify with or that does not align with my spirit and give me peace.

You are a girl, therefore nothing.

When life offers you opportunity...

Grab it like it's your last breath

OVERLY COMFORTABLE

I don’t have the best social skills out there but I have enough to be civil and interactive with the world out there. I am finding however that certain people and all these people I have had such experiences with are black, are overly comfortable being too comfortable with strangers. I don’t like being touched, generally speaking. Even the people who are close to me sometimes when they touch me unexpectedly I can react not in a positive way but a negative- why are you in my space way. It's something I find I do. You can imagine my disgust and perplexity when a stranger finds nothing wrong with extending their filthy hands towards my body. I just do not get what kind of social etiquette it is to touch people one has just met. The fact that I have a tattoo that is sometimes visible just aggravates the chances of me being so violated. People just tend to think it's okay to touch my tattoo and ask me what it means. Total strangers I mean. I get you see it, I also see your hair, eyes, horrible outfit but no one sees me walking around touching their fabrics and telling them they feel like quality or fonkong do they!? People just need to chill, I get we are all humans and humanity towards each other is essential but please let's keep to our space. Part of social skills is knowing when to stay in your lane. It's much like liking to know other people's business when really the details of their lives will do very little to the quality of your own life. #PawsOff. A good example is also men who go about grabbing people's hands, especially women in an attempt to shela them. These men really need to learn how to get a woman's attention because their behaviour of hand grabbing is rude and authoritative on women's sovereignty.

Also people who think just because I am short I can be used a a support structure must fall too. They always act very surprised when you refuse to indulge them like you were made short for the sole purpose of their being able to lean on you. These people must fall I swear- I have no respect or patience for such characters in fact, I abhor them. And then there are those people who will greet you like a decent person upon first meet; but they never stop there, they go on to want to know where you stay, where you are going, your number, everything really that they can use to find you. My thing here is there are just places where the people who congregate there are just too random for anything. For all you know you could be giving your details to a stalker, killer or rapist. The world is full of sick bastards out there so people please don’t give me a stank eye because I refused to tell you where I was going, it's not in my best interests to do so. Talk about the weather or the news then I can engage you fully but anything personal, wooo shem! I will not divulge. I speak from experience as I almost had a fatal encounter on the account of trusting a stranger who seemed harmless. But then again I must say observe where you are ( location) and pay very strict attention to what they say about themselves. Any gut feeling that tells you to not trust a stranger who looks harmless, listen very attentively and find a quick escape. As a people I feel we just need to learn boundaries. 

DATING

I am back again with a trend in the dating world that I felt the need to address. So its all nice to be admired by a person to the point where they want you to be their girl/boy. My bone of contention is that people think just because I know their name then that’s enough info for me to consider them a compatible partner and thus commit to being their girlfriend. No one I have noticed, takes the time to date and get to know the other person these days; what they like to do, who they hang out with, where they like to go, where they come from, what is important in their life, what their aspirations are. After all compatibility in these very crucial factors is what will take the relationship beyond the initial lust. That is assuming of course that they are interested in a serious, long term relationship. I do however respect a person who explains upfront what exactly the interest/ love they are expressing for you means to them; does it mean sex or does it mean a relationship. I hate guys who pretend to be for the latter when all they want is the former because it becomes apparent the more you speak to them and I consider it an insult that a guy would think he could trick me into having sex with him by telling me he loves me. I feel like if i was to engage sexually it would be because i am interested and not because he declared because honestly i am not clueless as to what true love is. And Batswana men seem to think saying "i love you/ ke a go rata" then you should be so impressed you should declare yourself their girlfriend. But I can't stand a lazy man, if he is lazy to ask me out, get to know me, get to evaluate if he likes the person that I am and allow me the courtesy to also discover who he is and potentially develop an interest in him too if it wasn't there already then whats the point!? Next thing you know I will be picking after him like he is a 5 year old, irritated with the way he sneezes or chews so, no thanks but I shall stay single. As much as men may say its easy to get sex, to get a serious woman who has goals and aspirations and could elevate you and add value to your life and you do the same for her, you must invest in cultivating interest in the person. There are no quick solutions to lasting and quality things, whatever they may be.

14:14

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?

The question came, what motivates you? Upon introspection I realise I did not do the question justice nor did I represent myself fully in my answer.

So what does motivate me?

I am motivated by the need to sponsor my activities and indulge all my desires and fetishes.

I am motivated by my desperate desire to move out of my sister's house, my mother's house to become an independent adult who can support herself and draw up a  budget of how she is going to spend her money come month end

I am motivated by Black girls/ women who I see in various media platforms shining their star having started from nothing or very little, some having started from something but having taken the initiative nonetheless and committing to making a positive change in their lives and the lives of their fellow men and women. Standing up and throwing caution to the wind and surging forward and making noise for what they believe in and staying steadfast in their pursuit of justice, equality and recognition.

I am motivated by the need to do something for my grandmothers before they pass on.

I am motivated by my need to be more and therefore hopefully to get into a platform that will allow me to motivate other young girls to strive to be more to aspire to be more beyond mother of and wife of.

I can't say directly that money motivates me, it does however fuel a lot of what does motivate me. I think money is way too fluid to be a motivating factor. It is so ever expanding that making it a motivating factor may be fatal. Because nothing will ever really measure up.

I am therefore motivated by what I can do with money and what I can achieve and experience with money like furthering my education and travelling and indulging my fetish of shoes, lipsticks, sun glasses.

I guess the reason I am telling you all this is because I realised that staying tuned in to what motivates you will push you when you face your toughest moments and challenges, when your self belief is at it's lowest and when you have no more will to go on. Just hold on to all that motivates you and allow yourself to be motivated!

#sTAYrOCKING

BABIES

They are adorable little human beings. In African culture they are the validating stamp of womanhood them and marriage. But having a baby even out of wedlock at least proves that you are not barren. Most women want to have them and those who do not want to have them are believed to be missing an integral part of what it means to be a woman but I find them to be quite strong and inspiring. But to have or not to have is not what I want to discuss. But rather who to have with and when to start looking for child minders once you have decided to have.

I have recently through the birth of my niece gotten to find that babies can be a difficult full time job. Some babies are said to be the most well behaved, non-crying, easily put to bed very easy to deal with and others are quite the opposite. Imagine yourself with an irritable baby and a flighty man. It's safer people say, to have children in marriage for obvious reasons and the not so obvious, but what help is a husband who cannot stay or contend with a crying baby or a husband who can only hold a non-crying baby!? I think I'd take my chances with a boyfriend in this case, stay in of course. What I am saying is raising a child is difficult work, I would know through my part time work of helping to care for my niece; so neither of the parents should be allowed to slack on the job. Both of you are working full time jobs, why should the woman then still come home to be the only one who makes sure the baby is fed and bathed and ready for sleep and falls asleep!? Society is really not fair, fuck proving strength, everyone gets tired and if we decide to have a baby then we must both commit to equally committing to take care of the child through smelly poop, midnight/ mid-morning cries. So perhaps in choosing a husband and having decided we want to have kids lets go for the guy who will actually help raise that child, not just financially because then he is no different from the guy who pays maintenance through a court order but a man who will actually get his hands dirty when it matters the most.

Now on to the question of when to start looking for a child minder when you are pregnant. I have made the observation that latest, you must have your first candidate by the 6th month mark. Experience has proven that these ladies can be flighty. So the best thing would be to get a person while you are still pregnant, learn their character and their distractions so you can judge just how relatively safe your child will be in their hands once the bundle of joy arrives. Looking for a child minder when you have to go to work and the baby is already here is stressing as you trust your child with a virtual stranger, it's not different really from leaving your child with a lady at the bus rank and running to the bathroom. Also be careful to go for the ones that have children older than 5 years if they have children or the older women because those are much more mature and will not give lame excuses for abandoning you. Also they don’t have as many child emergencies.

This having a child business is serious business. And we should really start treating it as such and putting into it as much planning as we can. It's not a thing to be entered into blindly.

FUNERALS IN THE BURBS'

So the trend in neighbourhoods these days is that we build tall walls and get our attitudes to match them. This is especially true the more affluent the suburb is. We have done well emulating the individualistic culture of whites in this regard. The discrepancies creep in when we have the unfortunate event of a funeral. Then our gates open and as humanity (setho) will dictate, the neighbours must come and give support in this time of distress. However given that all along neighbourliness had not been cultivated not even by the simple greeting then this task becomes very difficult. First you have to learn through the hymns and sermons that something must be amiss in the next yard. Then you are faced with the dilemma of going and feeling very out of place because the crisis befallen family had never been civil. In more interactive communities, when one member of the community dies the community is told by word of mouth of course because they actually take the time out of their busy schedules to interact with each other. This makes for easy cooperation when death befalls one of the families of the community.

I guess this then is a cry out from me to people in the 'burbs' that lets get to know each other. I am not suggesting we be best friends, I think we all have enough of those but a greeting when you see someone in your neighbourhood will not decrease the value of your house or car. Nor will it make you any less well dressed. Let's not lose civility because death does not only affect the less affluent and even the more affluent need the support of the community in the face of such a misfortune.

As I get my skirt ready to attend a memorial service I deduced in my hood later on today.

BREAK-UP/ OR NOT

Well most of my guy friends that I have talked to about this,  say it is a break up; if someone up's and disappears on you while you still consider yourself to be in a relationship with them without properly calling things quit apparently you should immediately consider yourself dumped. I am of the view no doubt that this is a coward move that is very inconsiderate. I think if we are just fuck mates/ friends with benefits yes you can disappear on me because the friend in this relationship is a loose interpretation of what it means to be friends anyway. However do commit to being an item and forego the option to just be sex mates (which is always an option of course based on circumstance) and then not have the decency once you feel you have had enough of me to at least say 'deuces'. I think that’s why sometimes guys like to claim we are crazy (as women) because they are the uppermost perpetrators of such behaviour and they want to be able to pull such stunts and have us be fine with it. I say otherwise. If you just up and leave without a trace- your docket definitely shall remain open on my side. And if I bump into you two years later with your wife; assuming you would have gotten married I will be all drama on you- pull out my best crying scene and just make a nuisance out of myself. In the process I'l probably embarrass myself but I will embarrass you too and have your girlfriend/ wife wondering just what kind of a man you are. I mean really what is so difficult about writing at the very least a text saying " i can't do this anymore". This way you know you have told me off and you no longer have any obligation to me because you severed any such properly. I am not the kind of girl who will follow a guy who has made it clear he doesn’t want me but one who makes no such effort to tell me off, that’s a complete different story. Take note that me pulling a scene on you when we do eventually bump into each other will not be because I would still want you, it would be my way of teaching you a bit of decency. Trust if you disappear on me- depending on how strongly I felt about you, I will cry it out, drink it out or just eye roll you away but I can be vindictive enough to think you deserve a one up for your behaviour. But that’s just me and besides I have to admit I am having fun thinking up all this drama I could cause.

But honestly people if we make the effort to get into a relationship, for our soon to be ex's sanity let's make a clean break; just like with human bones this makes for a faster healing. Do not want to feel indispensable by not properly breaking things off and leaving the other person to wonder if they are still with you meanwhile telling people how crazy and devastated they are to have lost you. It's not cool. And grow up.

"YOU WAISTED MY TIME"!

The ultimate quote symbol of the end of a  usually long term relationship. Men are often the victims of this statement and when it is uttered, the accusing party is never calm; usually in tears or in the pits of rage. I have never understood how one gets to this very conclusion that their time was wasted as an adult in a relationship. This is my contention, when we enter into relationships and decide to be steady and settle down, be in it for the long haul; we must also establish our expectations of the partner and for the relationship. Now of course at every age and after each defined circumstance these expectations change and that is why communication in a relationship is vital. I do not know why people allow to be engaged for more than 2 years if that is not what they want or allow to spend 8 years of their life with someone and pretend to be ok when they know that they would really like to be married. Why can't women just say I see myself married in 2 years and if you cannot do that or if you are not that man please let me know. And when they are told off, buzz off!? Next thing we play the victim and say the guy wasted our time- I am like how did he waste your time? A relationship is a choice and how long you stay in it and under what conditions is entirely up to the standards you set for yourself and your partner. It is not a prison sentence where you are told which room, what time to bath and wake up and where your menu is decided for you, day in day out. Women enter relationships I think in a position of fear and desperation. Fear of being labelled a spinster and desperate to be like that girl or another, desperate to call themselves Mrs this and that or the other. And this is why when a guy who had never promised anything leaves it's as if he committed the biggest act of betrayal. Men like to say you usually know within a short time if the woman you are with is the one you want to marry. And since we like to be asked why can't we establish within reasonable time(personally determined) if a guy sees himself married to us or not and what his plans are? This should surely save us the pathetic remarks that we have been strung along or that our time has been wasted. If you do not want to wait 5 or more years for an engagement then don’t! do not for pitssake stick around and then accuse another being of wasting your time because you stayed, if you thought there were better possibilities out there then by all means you should have gone out and suck out that man who you so staunchly believe would have married you in that time you feel was wasted. No one is ever truly a victim in a relationship. Every so often when in a relationship you must talk with your partner about your expectations from that point, about which previous expectations were met and which weren't and why and about what you are happy with and what you would like to change. If after 2/3 such evaluations you find the same things you want not done, the same thing you do not like unchanged then clearly you must be forcing matters. Let's stop hiding behind making excuses for the other person and then accuse them of wasting our time. No! take ownership and admit to yourself if no one else that you wasted your own time not making decisions that were yours to make. Everyone is responsible for their life and how and where it goes. Other people may influence but the ultimate decision lies with the individual. #YouWastedMyTimeMUSTFALL

EXTRAMARITAL RELATIONSHIPS

I am curious to know if these unorthodox, rule breaking, immoral relationships operate on any rules of their own. The irony would not be lost on me. What should be length of a relationship between a married person and another person outside of their marriage? What is the reason for the need of such a relationship? Who do we blame for such a relationship if blame is to be laid? What is the decent time after marriage to start such a relationship? And does the spouse being cheated on really not ever have a clue of such a relationship when it’s ongoing? These are all questions to the comments I have heard being made and that I have made when I heard that this or the other was caught cheating or is cheating on their spouse unbeknownst to them. So I am going to try and provide rational answers to them to the best of my ability. Now with regards the length of the relationship, if it goes on for too long, it risks exposure and that, the voice has taught us comes with heavy repercussions. Also the longer it goes on, I think the lesser the chances of the third wheel finding a person and establishing a real relationship of their own that they do not have to hide. So I would conclude by saying this relationship should always be kept short and sweet (as sweet as can be considering its nature) and non-dramatic. No feelings should be allowed to develop, which is often the case the longer a relationship is allowed to exist. The second question speaks to why a married person should need an extra relationship outside of their marriage anyway, and I ask why indeed? People get married and for the lazy folk they recite the tired old vows whose origins they do not know of nor I think care to find out about; for those maybe we can be lenient. But the ones that would really upset are the ones who make the effort of coming up with their own vows vowing to fidelity and loyalty and all and then going out and getting it on with someone else. The question then becomes, if you still wanted to sleep around why did you have to lie to yourself and your faithful (hopefully) spouse about wanting a settled life because in my books unless otherwise explicitly stated, marriage equals exclusivity. So I am afraid the answer on the need for an extramarital affair eludes me for I see no rational reason for such behavior (unless you believe monogamy is unnatural- which then becomes a whole other debate to take on and still leaves the question of why then get married open). I believe only the married person has a duty to their spouse and as such should be the sole bearer of blame if blame is to be laid especially blame coming from their spouse. Yes the third party is wrong in an enabling capacity but the onus lies with the one who took vows and propositioned or affirmed a proposition. It is their duty to say something to what we would hope along with being their lover is their most trusted confidant if they feel something is not right in the relationship instead of going out and tainting the union. I for one have been mad at people I heard started cheating a week after getting married. I wondered if they could have gotten bored with their partner that quickly and also question the genuineness of the commitment to begin with. How do you make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone cherishing them, being loyal to them and protecting them and then go out and fuck another person a week or however long afterwards!? Where is first of all your decency? These are some of the tendencies that make me question if people really understand the reasons why they get married and if those reasons are noble. You should at least wait to get tired of your spouse which in reality if you have committed to marriage you should have thought of contingencies that you both agree on to. Lastly I question the being kept in the dark of the spouse being cheated on. Especially with couples who have been together for longer and who know each other's patterns, behaviors and routines. I would like to believe (maybe I am naïve) that if I have been with you for more than 5 years (modest time) and you start cheating all of a sudden I should at least suspect something is up because I do not want to think you would act the same way with the new fling as you have been with me all the 5 years or more of our relationship. That is just the nature of us humans, a new fling always brings a spring or sway to our walk, a laugh and smile to reading texts, something different and fresh like the new relationship. So honestly, assuming you are attentive to your relationship (without being obsessed) I do believe within reason a spouse should be able to tell. As such I think people need to take a proactive role in such matters and instead of being passive, they should jump to nip the fling in the bud by identifying why their spouse decided to go out and transgress against their union. This should help save the relationship if that is the intention. Otherwise it helps one prevent the overwhelming questions of why when they find out later and realise they are the only ones who didn’t know their spouse was busy canoodling outside their marriage- the self-esteem of the cheated party always tends to take a hit. This as you can tell is based mainly on the two married people. It is not to say the third wheel is absolved of blame or becomes a prop, but the problem shall always remain with the ones who signed the marriage contract to deal with in the end.

BOTSETSI

I consider myself a moderately cultural young woman. And I pride myself in this assertion because in this day and age us "born frees" do not identify with our cultures very much. The pull to be westernised is far too great for ngwao ya rona ya setswana. This being said, the recent birth of my first ever niece has brought me the opportunity to really observe and come in contact with the culture of botsetse. Having gone to baby showers and hearing what should and should not be done, the real practices are rather intense in my view. I have a few contentions with this practice that hinge on two major points. 1. the issue of the father's involvement, 2. the separation of the new mother from other people and life as used to. Now with regards to the first point I do believe that it has become redundant and rather ridiculous for one's father to experience their child being in life by hearing their cry or driving the little baby and mommy to the hospital or wherever else they may need to go for the first month or so. For one, when the baby is born these days the hospital allows for the father to be present during the birth if they so wish. And thereafter they are given the baby. I do not know why then they become enemy number one when mother and baby get home. What would become of the poor father, if God forbid(and I do not consider myself religious) the child was to die in those first few days of life. Where would have been his memories of his child, the child he made with love (that’s a positive assumption of course). Also especially in the context of married people who society dictates should have children after marrying. Having had that child what arse of a father would not do everything and anything in his power to ensure that he did not bring various unknowns from mischievous behaviour out there. I mean if you are going to make a choice to conceive with your wife, and try whoever many times why would you jeopardise that very precious goal you have been working towards. Lastly, how is the man supposed to identify with being the primary parent or the caretaker when for the first essential developmental stages of the baby he is kept at bay!? How is he supposed to connect with his baby and have his baby know his smell, breath and temperament? How is he supposed to identify with feeding the baby and changing diapers. I think we have enabled the lax participation of fathers in raising their children besides providing financial aid for long enough. Each father who cares to be considered truly as a father should participate in every stage of raising his child. That I believe is the only way for him to identify with his baby. Some men however do catch up to such duties but some don’t and that is what we need to curb. Now on the second point; I have realised that the new mommy is excluded from everyone else including her man and everything else. She even moves into a different room, where she stays isolated for a while. The plates and cutlery she uses, some food she uses(whatever the discretion for such is, who knows) and even the stove plates she uses right down to the kitchen cloth. Now I cannot for the life of me fathom this and Batswana being Batswana will never really explain such issues to an outsider (which is what I am by virtue of not having a baby). But really, if you are going to share with us the mere mortals some of the most unhygienic places like the toilet and bathroom, then why bother making anything else exclusive to yourself. Shouldn’t hygiene be top priority anyway for everyone else in the family!? Or are the rest of us all just ok falling off to some food poisoning or whatever else impending doom awaits us in the kitchen. I think this is ridiculous, no disrespect to anyone. Also why on earth should one not be even allowed to talk to her husband or spouse face to face at home after giving birth. What could possibly become of them sitting in one place and just reminiscing on the feat conquered of birthing their child. Why should they resort to pictures on whatsapp and conversations there? This is really a sad predicament, one that puts me off pregnancy even more. I say let the fathers in and let the mothers interact not just with the person who is in charge of 'go baya botsetsi' but at least the immediate family in the house. Let's re-evaluate some practices and their relevance.

OBSERVATIONS

Let me start by declaring that I like to look at how people close to me live and take some useful lessons for myself from them and identify what I would not want in my life and work consciously to avoid it. Now I have observed that women like to commit to be the maid they never intended to be, particularly, I have noticed this of married women. They get their adorable husbands used to being taken care of hand and foot and then get exasperated with other people once this becomes too exhausting for them to do. I believe that as women if we do not want to do the whole waiting on a man thing we should let them know from the onset that we expect them to pull up their socks and get some work done in the house. Don't get frustrated because you never got your expectations out there for him to know because our patriarchal society teaches men largely that they shall be served by women. No one can stand up for us if we don't ourselves and le setswana sare ngwana o sa leleng o swela tharing. I feel like I have had to do a lot of house work and man tending by virtue of staying with a particular married woman who clearly is tired herself of taking care of every whim her husband has. This has made me resolute in my resolve not to allow myself to fall into such a predicament. I think a lot of us women allow ourselves to become the maid/ house worker we never aspired to and nothing is as frustrating as doing something you do not want to do nor feel like you should have to do nor had you ever aspired to do. 

RELIGION

 

Through all my doubts and questioning of religion, particularly Christianity, one thing has remained constant, my belief in spirituality. After reading a rather refreshing and liberal book, surprisingly written in collaboration with a very devout Bhuddist, the Dalai Lama, I realised that no religion like I have come to accept and assert is supreme. The saying all things are equal comes to mind here and usually it is restricted or made in reference to people but it really should extent to all things  because being born different it is only natural that we would believe different. What should remain important is the freedom to choose our own spiritual paths. The book talks rightfully I believe about the concept of equality basing it on the fact that everybody has the right to be happy and that if that happiness is derived from a particular religious tradition different from the norm, then that right ought to be respected. After all the goal at least I suppose is not world religious domination but righteousness and righteousness can be derived from a lot of influences as various famous personalities have come to prove. Being religious I think more than anything should be stemmed in tolerance and love and acceptance not an insistence in having things done the way we believe is best; after all, all we do have is a belief and beliefs are a result of a choice to commit to a set of principles and living by them ( and undoubtedly other social, economic, cultural… influences). As much as each of us has a different favourite colour and choose to love different things and or people in different ways then we should be able to realise that in all things we derive happiness from different things and therefore our beliefs cannot possibly all be the same. I believe the antidote to all these wars caused by the quest to assert one religion as superior to all others can be quelled by teaching respect and tolerance other than hate and judgement. We need to realise that nothing about any individual gives them the right to judge others and demean what they believe in. Religion should never be about taking control over other peoples beliefs but tolerating and understanding and living together in harmony and embracing our differences. The ultimate goal in life is apparently being happy and therefore in our selflessness which is spread by most religions if not all, let's let each other live and in turn live ourselves. One definition of confidence is being able to stand up for yourself without necessarily trampling or stepping on other people's toe's or beliefs and each and every religious person and non-religious person equally, needs this trait in order for there to be peace and tranquillity.

DATING

Why do we date? What are our ultimate expectations and do we voice them to our partners? How do we determine the right person to take it to the next step with. Is it because of what we know of them? But what do we make of the dynamic nature of humans and the potential of what we know of the person changing? My friends say I am a difficult person to date, I say I am realistic. I notice the little things and I don’t like ignoring them because all too often when people divorce or fall out of love/ like it's because of the little things that their partner does that they just can't stomach anymore that they thought they could ignore. I don’t get why people would make the sacrifice of dating someone they are not comfortable with or around. The reality is no one will ever find their 100% other half without flaws, after all we are perfect in our imperfections, but I do not believe in forcing things. I for example know what matters to me and any relationship I have must accommodate these things. I am not entirely unreasonable, I can compromise but I am not at all for losing the essence of what makes me, me for a relationship. I also abhor wasting my time or the other person's time and I think that’s why people end up saying after dating a long time and it not working out that they wasted time. I don’t believe in wasting time, if I am with you then I must be enjoying something about us being together. Why then do people, at least the one's I have met subject themselves to relationships they do not cherish and therefore do not enjoy nor more importantly respect!? Why should we as people be content with not being happy with ourselves or our relationships? I mean I get  that a relationship is work and for some things you guide your partner on how to make you happy, but for christ's sake there has to be a natural pull towards each other, the work done must definitely build on something, an attraction, an understanding, a commonality, anything. My main case here is that no one should have to over compromise themselves if they are with the right person. It leads to bitterness and holding of grudges and counting up times and not living in the moment and enjoying the moment. Sometimes taking time to yourself and being with oneself is what one needs to gain perspective on themselves, what they like and don’t like so that in their being whole and their authentic self, they are able to attract likeminded people and be able to maintain themselves in the union.

 

PARADOX

 

I have I think too much pride for someone who is financially dependent on my family. But my family in this instance is not the problem. In fact its only my mother now that I expect to take care of all my financial needs until I get a job. My problem is the people of the opposite sex or the men I let into my life. For the life of me I cannot bring myself to form a coherent plea for anything. All the girls in my circle tell me I must ask, that the job of the man is to provide. But then I think if that is his job then why can't he do it without me having to ask him to. I mean if you know that you have to go to the toilet or eat why should you have other people remind you to do these things. I have an internal battle of pride or selling myself out to the highest bidder. I just feel like if I ask the man for anything at all then he would start having leverage over me and what I do. In fact I have had a guy admit that that is exactly why he gives money to his girl for this and that; so that he can control her. Now I know that that is probably part of why men do what they do for their women, admittedly to varying degrees but still it makes up part of their rationale. My problem then becomes that I never ever want to feel like I owe anyone anything or that anyone owns me. I have such a crippling need to be flawless in that regard that sometimes I feel stifled. Also I struggle with where to draw the line, is it that when I am seeing a man I should expect go bechetswa or is it go ithekisa expecting him to do certain things for me. Maybe I should stop asking myself and ask the relevant people hey. I must say though that I think a man who is serious about anything will at least get you something nice every once in a while without you having to ask him, a perfume, a good book, anything that you can remember him by and so you should too but if he had the guts to shela he should surely aim to impress. Not just financially but also in the calling, making you a nice lunch, dinner, taking you out every now and then because I know most women will cook for their men every day and do their laundry and clean their houses and I think in that regard the woman would have covered her part of the affectionate things because in all honesty she doesn’t have any obligation to do any of those things. So I guess it's right that women expect such gifts from their men. What then of men ba ba batang go ja hela ba sa ire sepe. A go bechetswa o kopile go monate jaaka Rre wa gago a itirisa!?

 

 

SIZE- IT MATTERS

Its all PC to say size does not matter especially against the backdrop of young ladies mostly and more recently young men falling prey to the diseases of bulimia and anorexia. I came across an article on the Cosmopolitan on-line mag which was saying all the right things to 20 something year olds with regards to feeling good when wearing a bikini. I couldn't however help but notice that despite this very commendable effort the rest of the magazine for the most part still only features celebrities on their sexiest lists and most well dressed who aren't what I would call the larger society's sample size. The issue though here is not really the magazine but the issue of size and how people feel about their bodies and what it means. I will admit here first hand that when I am on the heavier side I can never get myself to feel happy about my body or what I wear. This is a vice on my part, however should one ever really be comfortable with a body that is more of a burden and hazard than a safe harbour. For one being overweight makes it difficult to do a lot of things mentionably more weight to carry, difficulty in breathing and difficulty in finding clothes and having them fit right. Being too thin is not desirable either well at least not according to me, you can never really look like you are wearing an item; it is more often than not a case of the item wearing you. And I doubt the processes that are supposed to take place in your body that need calories really do happen at optimum due to the under nutrition. What I am advocating is lets not call overweight curvy; hips are curves, not fatty thighs or stomach. And lets not call bones sticking out the ultimate weight either. I am all for feeling comfortable in your skin but lets do right by our selves and health by eating right and exercising and only then can we say we have our ultimate bodies.

ELECTIONS

You want to know what I think? Well maybe not but here goes anyway.
I think that we have questioned the eligibility of the UDC based on the fact that they are a coalition of parties and we think that they are unstable and therefore will not be able to reach decisions on anything once in governance. Ok maybe this view is wholly justified because of the history on coalitions in Botswana. However my view is this, just because the BDP and BCP constitute one huge party that does not  make them stable and this is why I hold this assertion;  for one the majority of BDP members are afraid to or at least it would seem like they are either afraid to come up with radical, logical ideas on how the country should be run and developed which are different from what the president thinks or if they do then they are not being listened to. I think it is a good thing, if not  a beautiful thing to have members within a party disagree- this leads to discourse and discourse leads to a divergent pool of ideas and thus creating  an abundance of good ideas to pick from that are actually sustainable and bad ideas to be identified and discarded- its all about weighing the ideas based on what is good for the country now and going forward beause we are preparing this country for future generations.  We cannot be content with a government in which the leader of the people by the people can make a decision based on his and his alone- personal values and dislikes and impose them on the rest of us. We need to identify and encourage a party that allows for different views and actually encourages them- for as long as people are different they should never give the impression that they agree on everything because then they are not only lying to the public but to themselves as well and a person in denial of their truth is a person beyond help or beyond helping or leading anyone else for that matter. We need representatives who will question the leadership for us in parliament not people who will go along with everything even when they know its not in the best interest of anything or anyone to go along with them.  So I say conflict within parties is good- lets encourage it but let the parties know how to then reach a compromise that is good for them and the nation of this beautiful country. #Iadvocateforpluralisticviews.