OBSERVATIONS

Let me start by declaring that I like to look at how people close to me live and take some useful lessons for myself from them and identify what I would not want in my life and work consciously to avoid it. Now I have observed that women like to commit to be the maid they never intended to be, particularly, I have noticed this of married women. They get their adorable husbands used to being taken care of hand and foot and then get exasperated with other people once this becomes too exhausting for them to do. I believe that as women if we do not want to do the whole waiting on a man thing we should let them know from the onset that we expect them to pull up their socks and get some work done in the house. Don't get frustrated because you never got your expectations out there for him to know because our patriarchal society teaches men largely that they shall be served by women. No one can stand up for us if we don't ourselves and le setswana sare ngwana o sa leleng o swela tharing. I feel like I have had to do a lot of house work and man tending by virtue of staying with a particular married woman who clearly is tired herself of taking care of every whim her husband has. This has made me resolute in my resolve not to allow myself to fall into such a predicament. I think a lot of us women allow ourselves to become the maid/ house worker we never aspired to and nothing is as frustrating as doing something you do not want to do nor feel like you should have to do nor had you ever aspired to do. 

RELIGION

 

Through all my doubts and questioning of religion, particularly Christianity, one thing has remained constant, my belief in spirituality. After reading a rather refreshing and liberal book, surprisingly written in collaboration with a very devout Bhuddist, the Dalai Lama, I realised that no religion like I have come to accept and assert is supreme. The saying all things are equal comes to mind here and usually it is restricted or made in reference to people but it really should extent to all things  because being born different it is only natural that we would believe different. What should remain important is the freedom to choose our own spiritual paths. The book talks rightfully I believe about the concept of equality basing it on the fact that everybody has the right to be happy and that if that happiness is derived from a particular religious tradition different from the norm, then that right ought to be respected. After all the goal at least I suppose is not world religious domination but righteousness and righteousness can be derived from a lot of influences as various famous personalities have come to prove. Being religious I think more than anything should be stemmed in tolerance and love and acceptance not an insistence in having things done the way we believe is best; after all, all we do have is a belief and beliefs are a result of a choice to commit to a set of principles and living by them ( and undoubtedly other social, economic, cultural… influences). As much as each of us has a different favourite colour and choose to love different things and or people in different ways then we should be able to realise that in all things we derive happiness from different things and therefore our beliefs cannot possibly all be the same. I believe the antidote to all these wars caused by the quest to assert one religion as superior to all others can be quelled by teaching respect and tolerance other than hate and judgement. We need to realise that nothing about any individual gives them the right to judge others and demean what they believe in. Religion should never be about taking control over other peoples beliefs but tolerating and understanding and living together in harmony and embracing our differences. The ultimate goal in life is apparently being happy and therefore in our selflessness which is spread by most religions if not all, let's let each other live and in turn live ourselves. One definition of confidence is being able to stand up for yourself without necessarily trampling or stepping on other people's toe's or beliefs and each and every religious person and non-religious person equally, needs this trait in order for there to be peace and tranquillity.

DATING

Why do we date? What are our ultimate expectations and do we voice them to our partners? How do we determine the right person to take it to the next step with. Is it because of what we know of them? But what do we make of the dynamic nature of humans and the potential of what we know of the person changing? My friends say I am a difficult person to date, I say I am realistic. I notice the little things and I don’t like ignoring them because all too often when people divorce or fall out of love/ like it's because of the little things that their partner does that they just can't stomach anymore that they thought they could ignore. I don’t get why people would make the sacrifice of dating someone they are not comfortable with or around. The reality is no one will ever find their 100% other half without flaws, after all we are perfect in our imperfections, but I do not believe in forcing things. I for example know what matters to me and any relationship I have must accommodate these things. I am not entirely unreasonable, I can compromise but I am not at all for losing the essence of what makes me, me for a relationship. I also abhor wasting my time or the other person's time and I think that’s why people end up saying after dating a long time and it not working out that they wasted time. I don’t believe in wasting time, if I am with you then I must be enjoying something about us being together. Why then do people, at least the one's I have met subject themselves to relationships they do not cherish and therefore do not enjoy nor more importantly respect!? Why should we as people be content with not being happy with ourselves or our relationships? I mean I get  that a relationship is work and for some things you guide your partner on how to make you happy, but for christ's sake there has to be a natural pull towards each other, the work done must definitely build on something, an attraction, an understanding, a commonality, anything. My main case here is that no one should have to over compromise themselves if they are with the right person. It leads to bitterness and holding of grudges and counting up times and not living in the moment and enjoying the moment. Sometimes taking time to yourself and being with oneself is what one needs to gain perspective on themselves, what they like and don’t like so that in their being whole and their authentic self, they are able to attract likeminded people and be able to maintain themselves in the union.

 

PARADOX

 

I have I think too much pride for someone who is financially dependent on my family. But my family in this instance is not the problem. In fact its only my mother now that I expect to take care of all my financial needs until I get a job. My problem is the people of the opposite sex or the men I let into my life. For the life of me I cannot bring myself to form a coherent plea for anything. All the girls in my circle tell me I must ask, that the job of the man is to provide. But then I think if that is his job then why can't he do it without me having to ask him to. I mean if you know that you have to go to the toilet or eat why should you have other people remind you to do these things. I have an internal battle of pride or selling myself out to the highest bidder. I just feel like if I ask the man for anything at all then he would start having leverage over me and what I do. In fact I have had a guy admit that that is exactly why he gives money to his girl for this and that; so that he can control her. Now I know that that is probably part of why men do what they do for their women, admittedly to varying degrees but still it makes up part of their rationale. My problem then becomes that I never ever want to feel like I owe anyone anything or that anyone owns me. I have such a crippling need to be flawless in that regard that sometimes I feel stifled. Also I struggle with where to draw the line, is it that when I am seeing a man I should expect go bechetswa or is it go ithekisa expecting him to do certain things for me. Maybe I should stop asking myself and ask the relevant people hey. I must say though that I think a man who is serious about anything will at least get you something nice every once in a while without you having to ask him, a perfume, a good book, anything that you can remember him by and so you should too but if he had the guts to shela he should surely aim to impress. Not just financially but also in the calling, making you a nice lunch, dinner, taking you out every now and then because I know most women will cook for their men every day and do their laundry and clean their houses and I think in that regard the woman would have covered her part of the affectionate things because in all honesty she doesn’t have any obligation to do any of those things. So I guess it's right that women expect such gifts from their men. What then of men ba ba batang go ja hela ba sa ire sepe. A go bechetswa o kopile go monate jaaka Rre wa gago a itirisa!?

 

 

SIZE- IT MATTERS

Its all PC to say size does not matter especially against the backdrop of young ladies mostly and more recently young men falling prey to the diseases of bulimia and anorexia. I came across an article on the Cosmopolitan on-line mag which was saying all the right things to 20 something year olds with regards to feeling good when wearing a bikini. I couldn't however help but notice that despite this very commendable effort the rest of the magazine for the most part still only features celebrities on their sexiest lists and most well dressed who aren't what I would call the larger society's sample size. The issue though here is not really the magazine but the issue of size and how people feel about their bodies and what it means. I will admit here first hand that when I am on the heavier side I can never get myself to feel happy about my body or what I wear. This is a vice on my part, however should one ever really be comfortable with a body that is more of a burden and hazard than a safe harbour. For one being overweight makes it difficult to do a lot of things mentionably more weight to carry, difficulty in breathing and difficulty in finding clothes and having them fit right. Being too thin is not desirable either well at least not according to me, you can never really look like you are wearing an item; it is more often than not a case of the item wearing you. And I doubt the processes that are supposed to take place in your body that need calories really do happen at optimum due to the under nutrition. What I am advocating is lets not call overweight curvy; hips are curves, not fatty thighs or stomach. And lets not call bones sticking out the ultimate weight either. I am all for feeling comfortable in your skin but lets do right by our selves and health by eating right and exercising and only then can we say we have our ultimate bodies.