FUNERALS IN THE BURBS'

So the trend in neighbourhoods these days is that we build tall walls and get our attitudes to match them. This is especially true the more affluent the suburb is. We have done well emulating the individualistic culture of whites in this regard. The discrepancies creep in when we have the unfortunate event of a funeral. Then our gates open and as humanity (setho) will dictate, the neighbours must come and give support in this time of distress. However given that all along neighbourliness had not been cultivated not even by the simple greeting then this task becomes very difficult. First you have to learn through the hymns and sermons that something must be amiss in the next yard. Then you are faced with the dilemma of going and feeling very out of place because the crisis befallen family had never been civil. In more interactive communities, when one member of the community dies the community is told by word of mouth of course because they actually take the time out of their busy schedules to interact with each other. This makes for easy cooperation when death befalls one of the families of the community.

I guess this then is a cry out from me to people in the 'burbs' that lets get to know each other. I am not suggesting we be best friends, I think we all have enough of those but a greeting when you see someone in your neighbourhood will not decrease the value of your house or car. Nor will it make you any less well dressed. Let's not lose civility because death does not only affect the less affluent and even the more affluent need the support of the community in the face of such a misfortune.

As I get my skirt ready to attend a memorial service I deduced in my hood later on today.

BREAK-UP/ OR NOT

Well most of my guy friends that I have talked to about this,  say it is a break up; if someone up's and disappears on you while you still consider yourself to be in a relationship with them without properly calling things quit apparently you should immediately consider yourself dumped. I am of the view no doubt that this is a coward move that is very inconsiderate. I think if we are just fuck mates/ friends with benefits yes you can disappear on me because the friend in this relationship is a loose interpretation of what it means to be friends anyway. However do commit to being an item and forego the option to just be sex mates (which is always an option of course based on circumstance) and then not have the decency once you feel you have had enough of me to at least say 'deuces'. I think that’s why sometimes guys like to claim we are crazy (as women) because they are the uppermost perpetrators of such behaviour and they want to be able to pull such stunts and have us be fine with it. I say otherwise. If you just up and leave without a trace- your docket definitely shall remain open on my side. And if I bump into you two years later with your wife; assuming you would have gotten married I will be all drama on you- pull out my best crying scene and just make a nuisance out of myself. In the process I'l probably embarrass myself but I will embarrass you too and have your girlfriend/ wife wondering just what kind of a man you are. I mean really what is so difficult about writing at the very least a text saying " i can't do this anymore". This way you know you have told me off and you no longer have any obligation to me because you severed any such properly. I am not the kind of girl who will follow a guy who has made it clear he doesn’t want me but one who makes no such effort to tell me off, that’s a complete different story. Take note that me pulling a scene on you when we do eventually bump into each other will not be because I would still want you, it would be my way of teaching you a bit of decency. Trust if you disappear on me- depending on how strongly I felt about you, I will cry it out, drink it out or just eye roll you away but I can be vindictive enough to think you deserve a one up for your behaviour. But that’s just me and besides I have to admit I am having fun thinking up all this drama I could cause.

But honestly people if we make the effort to get into a relationship, for our soon to be ex's sanity let's make a clean break; just like with human bones this makes for a faster healing. Do not want to feel indispensable by not properly breaking things off and leaving the other person to wonder if they are still with you meanwhile telling people how crazy and devastated they are to have lost you. It's not cool. And grow up.

"YOU WAISTED MY TIME"!

The ultimate quote symbol of the end of a  usually long term relationship. Men are often the victims of this statement and when it is uttered, the accusing party is never calm; usually in tears or in the pits of rage. I have never understood how one gets to this very conclusion that their time was wasted as an adult in a relationship. This is my contention, when we enter into relationships and decide to be steady and settle down, be in it for the long haul; we must also establish our expectations of the partner and for the relationship. Now of course at every age and after each defined circumstance these expectations change and that is why communication in a relationship is vital. I do not know why people allow to be engaged for more than 2 years if that is not what they want or allow to spend 8 years of their life with someone and pretend to be ok when they know that they would really like to be married. Why can't women just say I see myself married in 2 years and if you cannot do that or if you are not that man please let me know. And when they are told off, buzz off!? Next thing we play the victim and say the guy wasted our time- I am like how did he waste your time? A relationship is a choice and how long you stay in it and under what conditions is entirely up to the standards you set for yourself and your partner. It is not a prison sentence where you are told which room, what time to bath and wake up and where your menu is decided for you, day in day out. Women enter relationships I think in a position of fear and desperation. Fear of being labelled a spinster and desperate to be like that girl or another, desperate to call themselves Mrs this and that or the other. And this is why when a guy who had never promised anything leaves it's as if he committed the biggest act of betrayal. Men like to say you usually know within a short time if the woman you are with is the one you want to marry. And since we like to be asked why can't we establish within reasonable time(personally determined) if a guy sees himself married to us or not and what his plans are? This should surely save us the pathetic remarks that we have been strung along or that our time has been wasted. If you do not want to wait 5 or more years for an engagement then don’t! do not for pitssake stick around and then accuse another being of wasting your time because you stayed, if you thought there were better possibilities out there then by all means you should have gone out and suck out that man who you so staunchly believe would have married you in that time you feel was wasted. No one is ever truly a victim in a relationship. Every so often when in a relationship you must talk with your partner about your expectations from that point, about which previous expectations were met and which weren't and why and about what you are happy with and what you would like to change. If after 2/3 such evaluations you find the same things you want not done, the same thing you do not like unchanged then clearly you must be forcing matters. Let's stop hiding behind making excuses for the other person and then accuse them of wasting our time. No! take ownership and admit to yourself if no one else that you wasted your own time not making decisions that were yours to make. Everyone is responsible for their life and how and where it goes. Other people may influence but the ultimate decision lies with the individual. #YouWastedMyTimeMUSTFALL