OVERLY COMFORTABLE

I don’t have the best social skills out there but I have enough to be civil and interactive with the world out there. I am finding however that certain people and all these people I have had such experiences with are black, are overly comfortable being too comfortable with strangers. I don’t like being touched, generally speaking. Even the people who are close to me sometimes when they touch me unexpectedly I can react not in a positive way but a negative- why are you in my space way. It's something I find I do. You can imagine my disgust and perplexity when a stranger finds nothing wrong with extending their filthy hands towards my body. I just do not get what kind of social etiquette it is to touch people one has just met. The fact that I have a tattoo that is sometimes visible just aggravates the chances of me being so violated. People just tend to think it's okay to touch my tattoo and ask me what it means. Total strangers I mean. I get you see it, I also see your hair, eyes, horrible outfit but no one sees me walking around touching their fabrics and telling them they feel like quality or fonkong do they!? People just need to chill, I get we are all humans and humanity towards each other is essential but please let's keep to our space. Part of social skills is knowing when to stay in your lane. It's much like liking to know other people's business when really the details of their lives will do very little to the quality of your own life. #PawsOff. A good example is also men who go about grabbing people's hands, especially women in an attempt to shela them. These men really need to learn how to get a woman's attention because their behaviour of hand grabbing is rude and authoritative on women's sovereignty.

Also people who think just because I am short I can be used a a support structure must fall too. They always act very surprised when you refuse to indulge them like you were made short for the sole purpose of their being able to lean on you. These people must fall I swear- I have no respect or patience for such characters in fact, I abhor them. And then there are those people who will greet you like a decent person upon first meet; but they never stop there, they go on to want to know where you stay, where you are going, your number, everything really that they can use to find you. My thing here is there are just places where the people who congregate there are just too random for anything. For all you know you could be giving your details to a stalker, killer or rapist. The world is full of sick bastards out there so people please don’t give me a stank eye because I refused to tell you where I was going, it's not in my best interests to do so. Talk about the weather or the news then I can engage you fully but anything personal, wooo shem! I will not divulge. I speak from experience as I almost had a fatal encounter on the account of trusting a stranger who seemed harmless. But then again I must say observe where you are ( location) and pay very strict attention to what they say about themselves. Any gut feeling that tells you to not trust a stranger who looks harmless, listen very attentively and find a quick escape. As a people I feel we just need to learn boundaries. 

DATING

I am back again with a trend in the dating world that I felt the need to address. So its all nice to be admired by a person to the point where they want you to be their girl/boy. My bone of contention is that people think just because I know their name then that’s enough info for me to consider them a compatible partner and thus commit to being their girlfriend. No one I have noticed, takes the time to date and get to know the other person these days; what they like to do, who they hang out with, where they like to go, where they come from, what is important in their life, what their aspirations are. After all compatibility in these very crucial factors is what will take the relationship beyond the initial lust. That is assuming of course that they are interested in a serious, long term relationship. I do however respect a person who explains upfront what exactly the interest/ love they are expressing for you means to them; does it mean sex or does it mean a relationship. I hate guys who pretend to be for the latter when all they want is the former because it becomes apparent the more you speak to them and I consider it an insult that a guy would think he could trick me into having sex with him by telling me he loves me. I feel like if i was to engage sexually it would be because i am interested and not because he declared because honestly i am not clueless as to what true love is. And Batswana men seem to think saying "i love you/ ke a go rata" then you should be so impressed you should declare yourself their girlfriend. But I can't stand a lazy man, if he is lazy to ask me out, get to know me, get to evaluate if he likes the person that I am and allow me the courtesy to also discover who he is and potentially develop an interest in him too if it wasn't there already then whats the point!? Next thing you know I will be picking after him like he is a 5 year old, irritated with the way he sneezes or chews so, no thanks but I shall stay single. As much as men may say its easy to get sex, to get a serious woman who has goals and aspirations and could elevate you and add value to your life and you do the same for her, you must invest in cultivating interest in the person. There are no quick solutions to lasting and quality things, whatever they may be.

14:14

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?

The question came, what motivates you? Upon introspection I realise I did not do the question justice nor did I represent myself fully in my answer.

So what does motivate me?

I am motivated by the need to sponsor my activities and indulge all my desires and fetishes.

I am motivated by my desperate desire to move out of my sister's house, my mother's house to become an independent adult who can support herself and draw up a  budget of how she is going to spend her money come month end

I am motivated by Black girls/ women who I see in various media platforms shining their star having started from nothing or very little, some having started from something but having taken the initiative nonetheless and committing to making a positive change in their lives and the lives of their fellow men and women. Standing up and throwing caution to the wind and surging forward and making noise for what they believe in and staying steadfast in their pursuit of justice, equality and recognition.

I am motivated by the need to do something for my grandmothers before they pass on.

I am motivated by my need to be more and therefore hopefully to get into a platform that will allow me to motivate other young girls to strive to be more to aspire to be more beyond mother of and wife of.

I can't say directly that money motivates me, it does however fuel a lot of what does motivate me. I think money is way too fluid to be a motivating factor. It is so ever expanding that making it a motivating factor may be fatal. Because nothing will ever really measure up.

I am therefore motivated by what I can do with money and what I can achieve and experience with money like furthering my education and travelling and indulging my fetish of shoes, lipsticks, sun glasses.

I guess the reason I am telling you all this is because I realised that staying tuned in to what motivates you will push you when you face your toughest moments and challenges, when your self belief is at it's lowest and when you have no more will to go on. Just hold on to all that motivates you and allow yourself to be motivated!

#sTAYrOCKING

BABIES

They are adorable little human beings. In African culture they are the validating stamp of womanhood them and marriage. But having a baby even out of wedlock at least proves that you are not barren. Most women want to have them and those who do not want to have them are believed to be missing an integral part of what it means to be a woman but I find them to be quite strong and inspiring. But to have or not to have is not what I want to discuss. But rather who to have with and when to start looking for child minders once you have decided to have.

I have recently through the birth of my niece gotten to find that babies can be a difficult full time job. Some babies are said to be the most well behaved, non-crying, easily put to bed very easy to deal with and others are quite the opposite. Imagine yourself with an irritable baby and a flighty man. It's safer people say, to have children in marriage for obvious reasons and the not so obvious, but what help is a husband who cannot stay or contend with a crying baby or a husband who can only hold a non-crying baby!? I think I'd take my chances with a boyfriend in this case, stay in of course. What I am saying is raising a child is difficult work, I would know through my part time work of helping to care for my niece; so neither of the parents should be allowed to slack on the job. Both of you are working full time jobs, why should the woman then still come home to be the only one who makes sure the baby is fed and bathed and ready for sleep and falls asleep!? Society is really not fair, fuck proving strength, everyone gets tired and if we decide to have a baby then we must both commit to equally committing to take care of the child through smelly poop, midnight/ mid-morning cries. So perhaps in choosing a husband and having decided we want to have kids lets go for the guy who will actually help raise that child, not just financially because then he is no different from the guy who pays maintenance through a court order but a man who will actually get his hands dirty when it matters the most.

Now on to the question of when to start looking for a child minder when you are pregnant. I have made the observation that latest, you must have your first candidate by the 6th month mark. Experience has proven that these ladies can be flighty. So the best thing would be to get a person while you are still pregnant, learn their character and their distractions so you can judge just how relatively safe your child will be in their hands once the bundle of joy arrives. Looking for a child minder when you have to go to work and the baby is already here is stressing as you trust your child with a virtual stranger, it's not different really from leaving your child with a lady at the bus rank and running to the bathroom. Also be careful to go for the ones that have children older than 5 years if they have children or the older women because those are much more mature and will not give lame excuses for abandoning you. Also they don’t have as many child emergencies.

This having a child business is serious business. And we should really start treating it as such and putting into it as much planning as we can. It's not a thing to be entered into blindly.

FUNERALS IN THE BURBS'

So the trend in neighbourhoods these days is that we build tall walls and get our attitudes to match them. This is especially true the more affluent the suburb is. We have done well emulating the individualistic culture of whites in this regard. The discrepancies creep in when we have the unfortunate event of a funeral. Then our gates open and as humanity (setho) will dictate, the neighbours must come and give support in this time of distress. However given that all along neighbourliness had not been cultivated not even by the simple greeting then this task becomes very difficult. First you have to learn through the hymns and sermons that something must be amiss in the next yard. Then you are faced with the dilemma of going and feeling very out of place because the crisis befallen family had never been civil. In more interactive communities, when one member of the community dies the community is told by word of mouth of course because they actually take the time out of their busy schedules to interact with each other. This makes for easy cooperation when death befalls one of the families of the community.

I guess this then is a cry out from me to people in the 'burbs' that lets get to know each other. I am not suggesting we be best friends, I think we all have enough of those but a greeting when you see someone in your neighbourhood will not decrease the value of your house or car. Nor will it make you any less well dressed. Let's not lose civility because death does not only affect the less affluent and even the more affluent need the support of the community in the face of such a misfortune.

As I get my skirt ready to attend a memorial service I deduced in my hood later on today.

BREAK-UP/ OR NOT

Well most of my guy friends that I have talked to about this,  say it is a break up; if someone up's and disappears on you while you still consider yourself to be in a relationship with them without properly calling things quit apparently you should immediately consider yourself dumped. I am of the view no doubt that this is a coward move that is very inconsiderate. I think if we are just fuck mates/ friends with benefits yes you can disappear on me because the friend in this relationship is a loose interpretation of what it means to be friends anyway. However do commit to being an item and forego the option to just be sex mates (which is always an option of course based on circumstance) and then not have the decency once you feel you have had enough of me to at least say 'deuces'. I think that’s why sometimes guys like to claim we are crazy (as women) because they are the uppermost perpetrators of such behaviour and they want to be able to pull such stunts and have us be fine with it. I say otherwise. If you just up and leave without a trace- your docket definitely shall remain open on my side. And if I bump into you two years later with your wife; assuming you would have gotten married I will be all drama on you- pull out my best crying scene and just make a nuisance out of myself. In the process I'l probably embarrass myself but I will embarrass you too and have your girlfriend/ wife wondering just what kind of a man you are. I mean really what is so difficult about writing at the very least a text saying " i can't do this anymore". This way you know you have told me off and you no longer have any obligation to me because you severed any such properly. I am not the kind of girl who will follow a guy who has made it clear he doesn’t want me but one who makes no such effort to tell me off, that’s a complete different story. Take note that me pulling a scene on you when we do eventually bump into each other will not be because I would still want you, it would be my way of teaching you a bit of decency. Trust if you disappear on me- depending on how strongly I felt about you, I will cry it out, drink it out or just eye roll you away but I can be vindictive enough to think you deserve a one up for your behaviour. But that’s just me and besides I have to admit I am having fun thinking up all this drama I could cause.

But honestly people if we make the effort to get into a relationship, for our soon to be ex's sanity let's make a clean break; just like with human bones this makes for a faster healing. Do not want to feel indispensable by not properly breaking things off and leaving the other person to wonder if they are still with you meanwhile telling people how crazy and devastated they are to have lost you. It's not cool. And grow up.

"YOU WAISTED MY TIME"!

The ultimate quote symbol of the end of a  usually long term relationship. Men are often the victims of this statement and when it is uttered, the accusing party is never calm; usually in tears or in the pits of rage. I have never understood how one gets to this very conclusion that their time was wasted as an adult in a relationship. This is my contention, when we enter into relationships and decide to be steady and settle down, be in it for the long haul; we must also establish our expectations of the partner and for the relationship. Now of course at every age and after each defined circumstance these expectations change and that is why communication in a relationship is vital. I do not know why people allow to be engaged for more than 2 years if that is not what they want or allow to spend 8 years of their life with someone and pretend to be ok when they know that they would really like to be married. Why can't women just say I see myself married in 2 years and if you cannot do that or if you are not that man please let me know. And when they are told off, buzz off!? Next thing we play the victim and say the guy wasted our time- I am like how did he waste your time? A relationship is a choice and how long you stay in it and under what conditions is entirely up to the standards you set for yourself and your partner. It is not a prison sentence where you are told which room, what time to bath and wake up and where your menu is decided for you, day in day out. Women enter relationships I think in a position of fear and desperation. Fear of being labelled a spinster and desperate to be like that girl or another, desperate to call themselves Mrs this and that or the other. And this is why when a guy who had never promised anything leaves it's as if he committed the biggest act of betrayal. Men like to say you usually know within a short time if the woman you are with is the one you want to marry. And since we like to be asked why can't we establish within reasonable time(personally determined) if a guy sees himself married to us or not and what his plans are? This should surely save us the pathetic remarks that we have been strung along or that our time has been wasted. If you do not want to wait 5 or more years for an engagement then don’t! do not for pitssake stick around and then accuse another being of wasting your time because you stayed, if you thought there were better possibilities out there then by all means you should have gone out and suck out that man who you so staunchly believe would have married you in that time you feel was wasted. No one is ever truly a victim in a relationship. Every so often when in a relationship you must talk with your partner about your expectations from that point, about which previous expectations were met and which weren't and why and about what you are happy with and what you would like to change. If after 2/3 such evaluations you find the same things you want not done, the same thing you do not like unchanged then clearly you must be forcing matters. Let's stop hiding behind making excuses for the other person and then accuse them of wasting our time. No! take ownership and admit to yourself if no one else that you wasted your own time not making decisions that were yours to make. Everyone is responsible for their life and how and where it goes. Other people may influence but the ultimate decision lies with the individual. #YouWastedMyTimeMUSTFALL

EXTRAMARITAL RELATIONSHIPS

I am curious to know if these unorthodox, rule breaking, immoral relationships operate on any rules of their own. The irony would not be lost on me. What should be length of a relationship between a married person and another person outside of their marriage? What is the reason for the need of such a relationship? Who do we blame for such a relationship if blame is to be laid? What is the decent time after marriage to start such a relationship? And does the spouse being cheated on really not ever have a clue of such a relationship when it’s ongoing? These are all questions to the comments I have heard being made and that I have made when I heard that this or the other was caught cheating or is cheating on their spouse unbeknownst to them. So I am going to try and provide rational answers to them to the best of my ability. Now with regards the length of the relationship, if it goes on for too long, it risks exposure and that, the voice has taught us comes with heavy repercussions. Also the longer it goes on, I think the lesser the chances of the third wheel finding a person and establishing a real relationship of their own that they do not have to hide. So I would conclude by saying this relationship should always be kept short and sweet (as sweet as can be considering its nature) and non-dramatic. No feelings should be allowed to develop, which is often the case the longer a relationship is allowed to exist. The second question speaks to why a married person should need an extra relationship outside of their marriage anyway, and I ask why indeed? People get married and for the lazy folk they recite the tired old vows whose origins they do not know of nor I think care to find out about; for those maybe we can be lenient. But the ones that would really upset are the ones who make the effort of coming up with their own vows vowing to fidelity and loyalty and all and then going out and getting it on with someone else. The question then becomes, if you still wanted to sleep around why did you have to lie to yourself and your faithful (hopefully) spouse about wanting a settled life because in my books unless otherwise explicitly stated, marriage equals exclusivity. So I am afraid the answer on the need for an extramarital affair eludes me for I see no rational reason for such behavior (unless you believe monogamy is unnatural- which then becomes a whole other debate to take on and still leaves the question of why then get married open). I believe only the married person has a duty to their spouse and as such should be the sole bearer of blame if blame is to be laid especially blame coming from their spouse. Yes the third party is wrong in an enabling capacity but the onus lies with the one who took vows and propositioned or affirmed a proposition. It is their duty to say something to what we would hope along with being their lover is their most trusted confidant if they feel something is not right in the relationship instead of going out and tainting the union. I for one have been mad at people I heard started cheating a week after getting married. I wondered if they could have gotten bored with their partner that quickly and also question the genuineness of the commitment to begin with. How do you make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone cherishing them, being loyal to them and protecting them and then go out and fuck another person a week or however long afterwards!? Where is first of all your decency? These are some of the tendencies that make me question if people really understand the reasons why they get married and if those reasons are noble. You should at least wait to get tired of your spouse which in reality if you have committed to marriage you should have thought of contingencies that you both agree on to. Lastly I question the being kept in the dark of the spouse being cheated on. Especially with couples who have been together for longer and who know each other's patterns, behaviors and routines. I would like to believe (maybe I am naïve) that if I have been with you for more than 5 years (modest time) and you start cheating all of a sudden I should at least suspect something is up because I do not want to think you would act the same way with the new fling as you have been with me all the 5 years or more of our relationship. That is just the nature of us humans, a new fling always brings a spring or sway to our walk, a laugh and smile to reading texts, something different and fresh like the new relationship. So honestly, assuming you are attentive to your relationship (without being obsessed) I do believe within reason a spouse should be able to tell. As such I think people need to take a proactive role in such matters and instead of being passive, they should jump to nip the fling in the bud by identifying why their spouse decided to go out and transgress against their union. This should help save the relationship if that is the intention. Otherwise it helps one prevent the overwhelming questions of why when they find out later and realise they are the only ones who didn’t know their spouse was busy canoodling outside their marriage- the self-esteem of the cheated party always tends to take a hit. This as you can tell is based mainly on the two married people. It is not to say the third wheel is absolved of blame or becomes a prop, but the problem shall always remain with the ones who signed the marriage contract to deal with in the end.

BOTSETSI

I consider myself a moderately cultural young woman. And I pride myself in this assertion because in this day and age us "born frees" do not identify with our cultures very much. The pull to be westernised is far too great for ngwao ya rona ya setswana. This being said, the recent birth of my first ever niece has brought me the opportunity to really observe and come in contact with the culture of botsetse. Having gone to baby showers and hearing what should and should not be done, the real practices are rather intense in my view. I have a few contentions with this practice that hinge on two major points. 1. the issue of the father's involvement, 2. the separation of the new mother from other people and life as used to. Now with regards to the first point I do believe that it has become redundant and rather ridiculous for one's father to experience their child being in life by hearing their cry or driving the little baby and mommy to the hospital or wherever else they may need to go for the first month or so. For one, when the baby is born these days the hospital allows for the father to be present during the birth if they so wish. And thereafter they are given the baby. I do not know why then they become enemy number one when mother and baby get home. What would become of the poor father, if God forbid(and I do not consider myself religious) the child was to die in those first few days of life. Where would have been his memories of his child, the child he made with love (that’s a positive assumption of course). Also especially in the context of married people who society dictates should have children after marrying. Having had that child what arse of a father would not do everything and anything in his power to ensure that he did not bring various unknowns from mischievous behaviour out there. I mean if you are going to make a choice to conceive with your wife, and try whoever many times why would you jeopardise that very precious goal you have been working towards. Lastly, how is the man supposed to identify with being the primary parent or the caretaker when for the first essential developmental stages of the baby he is kept at bay!? How is he supposed to connect with his baby and have his baby know his smell, breath and temperament? How is he supposed to identify with feeding the baby and changing diapers. I think we have enabled the lax participation of fathers in raising their children besides providing financial aid for long enough. Each father who cares to be considered truly as a father should participate in every stage of raising his child. That I believe is the only way for him to identify with his baby. Some men however do catch up to such duties but some don’t and that is what we need to curb. Now on the second point; I have realised that the new mommy is excluded from everyone else including her man and everything else. She even moves into a different room, where she stays isolated for a while. The plates and cutlery she uses, some food she uses(whatever the discretion for such is, who knows) and even the stove plates she uses right down to the kitchen cloth. Now I cannot for the life of me fathom this and Batswana being Batswana will never really explain such issues to an outsider (which is what I am by virtue of not having a baby). But really, if you are going to share with us the mere mortals some of the most unhygienic places like the toilet and bathroom, then why bother making anything else exclusive to yourself. Shouldn’t hygiene be top priority anyway for everyone else in the family!? Or are the rest of us all just ok falling off to some food poisoning or whatever else impending doom awaits us in the kitchen. I think this is ridiculous, no disrespect to anyone. Also why on earth should one not be even allowed to talk to her husband or spouse face to face at home after giving birth. What could possibly become of them sitting in one place and just reminiscing on the feat conquered of birthing their child. Why should they resort to pictures on whatsapp and conversations there? This is really a sad predicament, one that puts me off pregnancy even more. I say let the fathers in and let the mothers interact not just with the person who is in charge of 'go baya botsetsi' but at least the immediate family in the house. Let's re-evaluate some practices and their relevance.